Toot Toot, All Aboard the Hype Train

Dude, 2014’s gonna be a bomb-ass year.

And why is that? Well, because VIDEO GAMES.

I will freely admit that I play video games all the time, and not even iOS games and really popular guns-ish stuff like Call of Duty and Assassin’s Creed and whatever. Not very exciting for me.

No, no no, see, we’ve got more stuff coming out next year. Some pretty damn cool stuff, I think! So, let me go through a quick-ish rundown of what is seriously exciting:

SUPER SMASH BROS. “4”

You’ve probably seen or heard of this series. It has the ultimate kid factor in that the game allows you to pit beloved Nintendo characters (this includes folks like Mario, Pikachu, Link, and Kirby) against each other in a grand battle royale. You know how kids would get into arguments about whether one guy would beat another in a fight? This game is that, except it’s real.

The original game on the Nintendo 64 gained notoriety for its wonderful commercials, in which a merry stroll through a meadow is interrupted by the bloodlust of battle:

By now, it has become something of a legendary thing. In some ways, it’s a sacred cow: trashing the Smash series as a whole can get you dirty looks. You wouldn’t want to, though! It’s just great!

And it’s about to get better. How, you ask?

The new Super Smash Bros, which will be arriving sometime next year, is going to be available on the Nintendo 3DS… which means it’s going PORTABLE.

I CAN HAVE MY CHILDHOOD IDOLS BEAT EACH OTHER UP NO MATTER WHERE I GO
I DON’T HAVE TO WAIT TO GO HOME TO MAKE EVERYBODY FIGHT TO THE DEATH
I DON’T THINK YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND THE LIBERATING JOY THIS HAD BROUGHT ME
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE SEVERAL MONTHS TO WAIT FOR IT OF COURSE, THAT PART SUCKS
BUT THE PRIIIIZE~

…Ahem.

PERSONA 5

Persona is the coolest freaking shit on the planet. I have tried to figure out what adjectives best describe the series as a whole, and the only ones that can get anywhere close to being very accurate at all are “cool”, “stylish”, and “complex”. Best way I can describe this: in every game, some high school students are exposed to some sort of weird phenomenon, like a mysterious TV channel that only airs on turned-off TVs when it rains at midnight, and it draws them into a dense supernatural plot in which they face their anxieties and insecurities, undergo meaningful character development, and gain control of these things called Personas, which are these magical anthropomorphizations of their inner psyches that are based off of mythological figures.

I know that paragraph might be tough to cut through, but basically, here’s this: I am legitimately excited for the new Persona game even though I will not be able to buy it or play it at all. Simply the idea of a new one happening is exciting enough. That is how cool this shit is.

PERSONA Q: SHADOW OF THE LABYRINTH

Another Persona game. This one has the reverse of the bold part up there: It’s super exciting because it’s going to be available for me to play. Finally, after maybe forever, there will be a Persona game on a Nintendo system! One that’s released in the States, anyhow.

Also, the fact that it has all the characters from the third and fourth games (i.e. the really popular ones) in the same game. That might be a bit of an excitement factor.

…
OKAY SO THIS IS LIKE THREE GAMES BUT STILL DUDE THIS IS A BIG DEAL I HAVE TO WORK OFF THIS EXCITEMENT SOMEHOW
HURRY THE FUCK UP 2014

I’m Old, I Can Say This Shit

Oh, what? Don’t give me that look. What, you drop your ice cream? Did I run over your goldfish? What is it?

Oh, I see. I used the s-word.

Well guess what, sugartits? Life uses the s-word. Some people’d say that life is the s-word. In fact, it’s more like the s-word is life.

Think about that for a second. Or don’t, ’cause it’s disgusting. That shit’ll get you sicker than a whore in flu season. Hey– Hey! What’re you complaining about? I pretty much warned you already! The title is already full of shit, man– well, so to speak, anyway. You lost your bitching license about nine or ten lines ago.

Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, right, right, the shittiness of life. Well, it’s true. You’re telling me you’ve never complained about nothing? Never had any doubts about life or some bitch you cussed out because omigod she had the same dress, that whore? No, if you had done any of that, you’d be a cusser. A pottymouth. As we say in the business, you’d be one slick-ass motherfucker.

See, that’s the problem with you kids these days, you know? You can’t get no fucking conjugation. Nobody’s vocabulary extends farther’n they can be hurled. Y’all can’t think of words to say, what with being so illiterate and capricious and shit, so you just throw shit in the sentence and hope everybody else can recognize the term “shitfucker-upper supreme,” or whatever the hell it is. And they always do, because all of you fuckers made up your own little wordpool of shits and bitches and ass-ass-asses! Can’t anybody respect the classics? Vai pro inferno! Va t’faire foutre! Fie on thy mistress in the cold dew of the morning sun!

Now let my clarify myself. I am not attacking you personally, because I do not place your priority over everybody else’s. I am attacking everybody with equal fervor. You really shouldn’t be taking this personally, because it isn’t personal. So when I say something about “you all piss me right the fuck off like a poorly-trained beagle full of Mountain Dew”, or I call you a goddamn blubbering pansy, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m only trying to rustle your jimmies.

Holy shit, “rustle your jimmies”! Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear anymore! I think there’s some obviously vulgar new equivalent phrase among the despondent masses these days. I think it’s referred to as “giving you shit”. Well, that’s misleading as hell, now isn’t it? Back in my day, that phrase had a completely different meaning. It was like when you hate someone, but Christmas is getting near, and your wife is flying up your ass about how you got to find something to give them, so you… You know. Give them shit. But then everybody started getting really sick and they had all these epidemics, so they made a law against it! It’s illegal to give people shit nowadays. You have to give them coal now.

And that’s why Santa Clause is no longer associated with the Plagues of Egypt.

… Wait, that’s not what we were talking about before, is it? Oh yeah. Cussing. Well, I have quotations from industry professionals– not the swearing industry, just all the industries in general, mind you– stating their position of the issue of coarse language. Let them convince you that I am right.

“I’m not against it, but I just hate it when bitches do it every five motherfucking seconds. Like, it adds emphasis and shit to a sentence, but y’all motherfuckers shouldn’t fucking overuse it.” Heidi Maslanka, the woman in the Bucky the Badger costume at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. She also is in charge of several prominent websites full of cute pet pictures.

“It’s something that every-fucking-body does, and yeah, some motherfuckers are offended by it, but if you don’t want to hear that shit, you could ask them bitches to stop or leave. I mean, it’s a fucking fact of life.” Juan Marquez, the ruthless CEO of Roundy’s Supermarket and richest man in the European nation of Belgium. He is also confirmed to be the number-one fan of Pokemon.

“Motherfucking swears is motherfucking swears. Motherfucking deal with it, y’all punk-ass bitches.” Juan Marquez<3 (for real this time, word for word).

“Well, sometimes it’s supremely fucking unnecessary, but sometimes necessary as fuck, in order to express your shit with the right fucking kind of words.” Elizabeth Erdelyi, head event organizer for Comic-Con events in the Midwest. She also is known nationwide for her wicked right hook.

“I just fucking use that shit in angry or funny situations, or if I just have the urge to swear like a motherfucker. I don’t fucking know– I’m fucking trying to stop swearing because I feel like it’s fucked up.” Neelam Jani, head director and producer at FUNimation and computer wizard. She also destroyed the competition at the Wimbledon Championships in 2005.

“I feel like it’s a hella necessary part of the goddamn English language because they’re needed to express fucking powerful emotions and shit. It deepens the damn vocabulary we can motherfucking use when you’re shit outta luck in an emotional situation or some shit.” Zachary Seebacher, a grimy man who sits around outside my house and throws garbage at me on Sundays even though that is not garbage day.

There you have it. I hope that shit makes it through to your brain, because I know you kids love being told what some shit means more than you love figuring it the fuck out for yourselves. I better not have to lecture a bitch.

Oh, shit. Look at the time. Just about time for my motherfucking sponge bath. Goddamn nursery home doesn’t even have fucking bubble baths or anything, just–

… Hey, who the fuck are you?

Baldur’s Fate (Norse)

(BACKGROUND)

(Perhaps one of the most famous individual stories in Norse mythology is the death of Baldur, the god of light. It’s one of the first events that will apparently transpire leading up to Ragnarök, the ultimate battle in which many major characters and gods will die. After that, natural disasters will run rampant, and the world will go entirely underwater, only to emerge refreshed, with most of the gods returning to preside over their new world. Back to Baldur– he’s sort of an example of an Achilles heel story that predates Achilles himself. Basically, he gets killed because he has exactly one weakness. Also, because of Loki. I think we all know Loki, at least from seeing The Avengers, so we all know what a malignant dickhole he is. Back in the original mythos, that was just as true, as you will soon see.)

@MotherFrigg: It’s a boy!!!!!!

@OdinaryMan: I am proud to welcome my third (i think) son into the world. his name is Baldur.

@LiteBaldie: #goo

@OdinaryMan: he is such a critical thinker wow

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Congratulations #partypoppers

@LokiOutOfHeaven: but more like #partypoopers amirite

@MotherFrigg: He is the fairest and most gracious and nobody may question his judgement.

@LiteBaldie: so i’m thinking of starting a glam band #shazam #glitter

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Are you kidding me #temptingmutiny

@HodGivenGrace: Buddy, you don’t even live with him #thehorror #saveme #takemybrotherplease

@LokiOutOfHeaven: #iknowthatfeel

@MotherFrigg: I’m starting to have dreams about the death of my son. #oshit

@OdinaryMan: is it Thor

@OdinaryMan: because I’m fairly sure he was supposed to write us by now

@MotherFrigg: I said MY son.

@MotherFrigg: Anyway, he’s just having a play date with Hymir. He wouldn’t just forget to contact us.

@MotherFrigg: I mean, he’s a very responsible young man.

@ThorOfNewHampshire: whoa dude i hooked a gnarly serpent #bestfishingtrip #EVAR

@SurrealistHymir: bro get im w/ ur hammer

@ThorOfNewHampshire: good idea man #bythepowerofgrayskull #imeanvalhalla

@JormungandrDre: #gack

@MotherFrigg: I think.

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Well it would be a sssshame if something were to #happen to him

@LiteBaldie: man what is this dream bout me dying, it’s kinda harshin my cool

@MotherFrigg: Alright, this is too far. I need all of you to promise not to harm Baldur, so that he may not die.

@Pantheon: yeah sure #damn #soclose

@CreaturesOfNature: oh absolutely we won’t ever hurt him oh no

@MissileToto: wat’s going on

@MotherFrigg: Except you, mistletoe. I’ll tell you when you’re older.

@LokiOutOfHeaven: #immunetostuff #exceptoneplant #OPPURTUNITYTAKEN

@HodGivenGrace: Attention, @Pantheon! This Sathorsday is the 1st annual Throwing Shit At Baldur picnic! There will be cake, which will also be thrown. #throwingshitatbaldur

@LokiOutOfHeaven: #DOUBLEOPPURTUNITYCOMBO #IAMAHAPPYMAN

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Yo Hod how do you even see your brother when you’re throwing shit at him

@HodGivenGrace: I can sense annoying little brothers, It’s sort of like echolocation

@LiteBaldie: guys stop being meen 😦

@HodGivenGrace: Yo yo yo shut the fuck up

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Lol nice

@HodGivenGrace: Alright, what do I throw next

@LokiOutofHeaven: I got you bro take this

@HodGivenGrace: Hey thanks, Let’s see how this goes

@LiteBaldie: #gack

@HodGivenGrace: WTF HE’S DEAD

@LokiLoad: Oshit brotha you betta run

@HodGivenGrace: LOKI WHAT THE SHIT, WAS THAT MISTLETOE

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Fuck if i know, man

@OdinaryMan: ALRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK HOD

@OdinaryMan: CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE

@HodGivenGrace: No Dad, I can’t

@HodGivenGrace: Because I’m blind

@HodGivenGrace: I thought we established that

@OdinaryMan: SHUT UP I’M MAKING A CHILD

@HodGivenGrace: What

@UncannyVali: Hello, I’m Your Newborn Son

@OdinaryMan: KILL THAT MOTHAFUCKA

@UncanyyVali: Can Do, Daddio

@HodGivenGrace: #gack

@MotherFrigg: #boohoohoohoohoohoowoof:(

@HelHathNoFury: Yo imma make a deal with yall

@HelHathNoFury: If erryone o ya cries manly tears for mah man baldie then he comes back to life

@MotherFrigg: #BOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOBARKGROWL

@HelHathNoFury: See now friggys startin ya off strong

@OdinaryMan: alright people try not to fuck this up

@ThokkOff: #no

@OdinaryMan: ARE YOU SERIOUS

@ThokkOff: #eeyup

@OdinaryMan: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN

@ThokkOff: #imthokk

@OdinaryMan:#MEDAMMIT

@HelHathNoFury: Welp so much for that im out

@ThokkOff: #S #u #c #k #e #r #s.

@OdinaryMan: wait

@OdinaryMan: #fuckingargh

@OdinaryMan: LOKI IS THAT YOU

@LokiOutOfHeaven: #Mayyyyybe

@OdinaryMan: #MOTHERFUCKER

@LokiOutOfHeaven: Lol u mad bro

@ThorOfNewHampshire: hey sup im home broskis

@ThorOfNewHampshire: whooooooaaa dud what da fuck happened in here

@ThorOfNewHampshire: smells grody man

@ThorOfNewHampshire: o yeah i brought fish